I'm not certain that this woman is truly dedicated to weight loss.

The other day, after work, I was at the library, checking out some books. Yes, I still go to the library, usually a couple of times/week - I love it there. It's like nirvana - wordvana -yeah, that's it!

Ahhhhh, books.

In the check-out line in front of me stood a rather portly/out-of-shape woman checking out two books:

Somehow, I suspect she isn't 100% dedicated to achieving fitness. Best of luck to her.

Tom's Dairy Freeze (aka What I Did This Summer)

Remember the first week of school, how they'd always make you write that stupid "What I Did This Summer" essay and share it with the class?

e.g. THIS SUMMER I PLAYED OUTSIDE AND WENT SWIMMING AND ATE POPSICLES AND KILLED ANTS WITH A MAGNIFYING GLASS AND MY MOM & DAD GOT DIVORCED SO I GOT 2 BIRTHDAY PARTIES AND I WISH I HAD A NEW BARBIE DOLL.

Actually, that sounds like a pretty fun summer!

Anyway, if I were to write one of those essays, come September 2010, it would go something like this:

THIS SUMMER I WENT ON SOME TRIPS AND THEY WERE FUN AND ALMOST EVERY NIGHT I ATE ICE CREAM FROM TOM'S DAIRY FREEZE WHERE THEY HAVE THE BEST ICE CREAM (AND ICE CREAM CONCOCKTIONS) IN THE WORLD.

Tom's Dairy Freeze is a place in my 'hood - mid-way between Park Lawn & Royal York on The Queensway - and I love it! I'm not the only one, either - online, there are tons of uniformly positive reviews of Tom's and at night, in the summer, there's always a huge line-up, right up 'til midnight (closing time).

Obviously, the quality of the product they serve is what keeps people coming back - the ice cream is unbelievable! (No offense, Dairy Queen, but Tom's treats are infinitely superior, at least in my opinion). They have everything you'd expect from an ice cream parlour - delectable soft serve (chocolate, vanilla or swirly, twirly combo!), choice of cones (waffle or regular), sundaes, banana splits - they even have a version of DQ's Blizzard - the Super Shake.

Actual conversation between Poop & the obviously disdainful (though less disgruntled than most teenaged food service workers) cashier:

Poop: What's a 'Super Shake'?

Cashier: Oh! It's, uh, sorta like a McFlurry or a Blizzard - only - obviously - way, WAY better!

I recently tried their 'Super Shake' - the Smarties variety - and it was awesome!

Note for my American readers: When I say "Smarties" I am referring to the colourful candy-shelled/chocolate-in-the-middle Canadian version - not the repulsive, uber-sweet, comes-in-a-roll U.S. version.

Contrary to their wholly reasonable prices, Tom's portion sizes are HUGE! If you are inspired to visit Tom's, after reading this glowing recommendation, be forewarned & repeat after me: ALWAYS ORDER SIZE SMALL. My Super Shake was a "Small" and it still lasted a week, in the freezer, serving as dessert for several nights in a row!

Tom's evokes nostalgia - it's like throw-back to a simpler time. It says right on its sign that it opened in 1969, which is entirely believable - it doesn't look like it's been renovated or updated at all in the time since - which is a good thing! Real retro! And it's not just the look of the building, it's the whole 'feel' of the place.

I fondly remember trips to the ice cream parlour with my dad, on summer evenings, when I was growing up; I usually had a small cone or a small sundae, except on special occasions, like the last day of school, when I was allowed to order anything I wanted (which often resulted in a tummy ache, but the memories are still fond).

Tom's is a "drive up" spot - no interior seating - you park, walk up to the window & get in line to place your order (don't worry, even though there's always a line, they are really fast!). Then, you can hop back in your car & take your treat home or you can have a seat at one of Tom's many picnic tables (which are almost always packed with smiling, ice-cream-filled people).

Tom's only takes cash. And you might be surprised by the scene that greets you - even though it's always busy, the many customers are happy, milling about, eating their ice cream - no petty arguments or nasty glares - just dairy-fueled joy!

Hey - I just had a thought - perhaps if everyone on the globe had access to ice cream like they serve at Tom's, we'd be able to achieve some semblance of world peace!! Unless all those stupid war-mongers are lactose-intolerant. Boo. Oh well. It was an idea.

Anyway - if you're in Toronto, I highly recommend Tom's Dairy Freeze!

P.S. Every single picture/image in this post was taken from the internet without the owner's permission. Think of it as an homage, rather than a theft.

What does heaven taste like, you ask?

Ah, Good Friday. What's so good about it? We get the day off work, of course! (I know, I know, I'm going to hell...that's not news...).

I left work a bit early yesterday (thank you, boss!) and took a nice long walk...I was WAY too hot, though. I definitely didn't need a coat!

Along the way I picked up some gifts @ Chapters and then picked up some mail at the post office that required my signature. The delivery turned out to be my passport, which was somewhat surprising, since I'd mailed in my renewal form only a couple of weeks ago - that was fast!

Incidentally, my new passport contains the worst, most hideous picture I've ever seen. You might think I'm exagerrating, but you could not be more wrong. When I say this is the worst picture I've ever seen, I'm not even limiting the comparison to pictures of myself - I can confidently proclaim that this is the most putrid picture ever taken of anyone, anywhere in the world, in the history of the universe.

After I ran my errands, I walked home and we took Kuda to the dog park for some frolicking (stick-throwing, trail-running, doggy-friend-making etc.)

Upon returning home, we commenced our daily debate on what we were going to have for dinner. I swear to god, if I didn't love eating so much, I'd survive by ingesting nutrient-rich pills or subsist on those meal-replacement shakes, and be done with the whole, stupid decision-making process/daily argument.

I won't bore you with all the meals & restaurants that were discussed & rejected before we finally made our decision, which was to go out to eat. We chose Classico Pizza & Pasta, in our neighbourhood (it's located in Bloor West Village, near Jane, for those of you in Toronto).

We've eaten there a few times and enjoyed it a lot. Their pizza is reeeally good and they also have a variety of pasta dishes.  They also serve one particular appetizer that we adore...I can't remember what it's called, but it's like a spring roll filled with cheese that you dip in a tart vinaigrette. Sounds like an odd combo, but the different flavours complement each other very well and it is AMAZING! Unfortunately, it wasn't on the menu last night (Poop seems to recall that it was previously on a list of specials inserted into the menu, so perhaps they only serve it occasionally...I hope it comes back!).

When we arrived, we realized that they'd opened their patio (Yay! Patio season!) which effectively doubled their capacity...good thing, too, cuz it was packed! We hadn't realized that they have live music on Thursday nights...I don't know the musician's name, but he was playing guitar & singing (later joined by a sax player); they were pretty good and it created a nice ambience.

It was a little chilly on the patio, but we had our fleeces on, so it wasn't too bad. Besides which, there were 2 tables full of families inside the restaurant with their unleashed (and, by "unleashed", I don't mean "let loose", I mean "not on leashes", as I would prefer), screeching children running rampant and I had no interest in being anywhere near that.

We ordered a couple of glasses of Shiraz (it was their "featured" wine that night, which worked out well, since it's my fave!). Poop ordered a Greek salad to start and I decided on the soup of the day. It was tomato something or other...not worth remembering...it was very bland, I barely touched it...to their credit, the server offered to take it back and bring me the other soup to try, but I wasn't interested.

The pizza was delicious (tomato sauce, tons of broccoli, sundried tomatoes, goat cheese); we ended up eating half and taking the rest home, which made for a delicious lunch the next day!

As we ate, I fell victim to the power of suggestion; I witnessed several other patrons receiving fancy coffee (with whipped cream on top!) and I simply needed to have one, too (or I might have died, you understand). Poop decided to order creme brulee for dessert; I've never had creme brulee, but it always looks like so much fun when they set it on fire - and the end result is always so lovely to look at. :)

I received my fancy coffee (with whipped cream & Bailey's) and Poop got his creme brulee (they didn't bring the blow-torch to the table, which was disappointing).

My coffee was delectable and I was convinced to try Poop's dessert, after much pestering. How was the creme brulee....?

Let me put it this way: If you believe heaven exists, this is what it would taste like.

I attempted some trickery....I mentioned that I thought I detected poison & it would be better for Poop if he didn't eat any more of it - I was, in essence, saving his life - but he didn't fall for it.

 *sigh*

I gave it a shot.

I love you, creme brulee.

Ooooh thinkin' about all our younger years, there was only you & me, we were young & wild & custardy....**

------------

**Bryan Adams' ode to creme brulee

Dear MLSE

An Open Letter to Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment (owners of the Toronto Maple Leafs & the Toronto Raptors):

I just wanted to commend you, as an organization and your unwavering commitment to the fans.

For those of you who don't know, the Raptors' organization is having a "Fan Appreciation Night", occurring February 3rd. And their way of expressing their appreciation for the fanbase is via an exciting, half-time performance by a contemporary musical artist....(wait for it)....

For those of you who weren't alive in 1990, that's Vanilla Ice (né Robert Van Winkle).

Not to degrade the artist known as Vanilla Ice, but, the last time he was popular/relevant, the Raptors were still FIVE YEARS AWAY FROM EXISTENCE.

Maple Leafs Sports & Entertainment: If you want to express your appreciation to your fans, perhaps you should choose a performer who is popular NOW...or was popular--oh I don't know--in the last decade?

Or, since this is the NBA's lone Canadian team, how about showcasing a Canadian band that is up & coming now?

No?

OK, so, "Canadian" obviously wasn't one of the parameters when you were making your choice. Nor was "current" one of the criteria. I could suggest that "kitsch appeal" was your main requirement, but that's really reaching.

If you have something against current bands, why not pick an act that was popular, exactly, fifteen years ago? The Raptors came into existence in '95, you could have chosen a performer who hit it big that year and you could have formulated a marketing tie-in with a band that was popular the year the Raptors were born!

(I'm pretty sure Hootie & the Blowfish are available...)

The point is, Vanilla Ice, is, simply, an embarrassing choice!

It's embarrassing now, to even discuss!

And it's going to be horribly, painfully embarrassing that night--even more embarrassing than the team that the Raptors are playing that day! Yes, it's going to be more embarrassing than the 2009-2010 Nets (and I didn't think that was possible).

The fans aren't going to be in to it..because...well...it's VANILLA ICE...and it's not 1990!

And it's going to be embarrasing for Mr. Ice...he's got to know how ridiculous he is!

Then again, a precedent was set by the NBA last year (specifically, the Denver Nuggets) when Vanilla performed a half-time gig at a Nuggets/Hornets game (see evidence below).

Thanks, a lot, Denver.

I feel bad for him.

I feel bad for the fans.

I feel bad for those of us who were in high school when "Ice, Ice Baby" came out and, as such, still know all the words to that insidious ditty, despite our best efforts to excise it from our minds.

I can't decide if I want to be there for this train wreck or not...on one hand, as previously mentioned, I'm embarrassed.

But, on the other hand, if a 3-legged talking dog comes to your city, you don't miss the meet 'n' greet!

I'd be a fool to miss this spectacle!

See ya there!

Baseball & Basketball Are DEAD in Toronto!!

Before anyone gets pissy with me in reaction to the inflammatory subject line of this post, please realize that the title is meant to be taken with a gargantuan grain of sodium chloride.

The other day, ESPN’s Bill Simmons (aka “The Sports Guy”) revealed the contents of an email he had received from a Toronto sports fan, "expressing..dismay that (A) Roy Halladay was traded, and (B) Chris Bosh is a mortal lock to be playing somewhere else next season. By August…Canada's best non-hockey player would be either Hedo Turkoglu or Aaron Hill.”

Thanks, Sports Guy!

This gives me the opportunity to address something that’s been sticking in my craw for months. (In case you’re wondering, when something is "stuck in one’s craw" it manifests as an uncomfortable pressure building inside you…much like it does inside Poopypants after “Chili Night in Canada”).

I’m not going to debate the identity of which athlete (not on skates), playing for a Canadian team, should be considered the country’s best player, in the absence of Halladay & Bosh. At best, it would be a specious argument; at worst, I’ll end up in a psych ward because I finally decided to throw feces at the insane co-worker who continues to insist that Rafer Alston could have saved the Raps, if we’d only “given him a chance”.

Yeah, OK.

What I will address is the pathetic, defeated attitude expressed by so many Blue Jays fans at the (entirely expected) departure of Halladay and the unbridled panic that sets in amongst Raptors fans at the mere hint of Bosh leaving (which is, obviously, also, a somewhat predictable transaction).

I'm not suggesting the exits of Halladay & Bosh won't be huge losses to their teams. However, some people seem to think that the loss of Halladay and the imminent/inevitable departure of Bosh makes the city of Toronto akin to a Jessica Simpson movie crossed with a dark & stormy Canadian night…that is, talentless & star-free.


Chris Bosh & Roy Halladay are/were the most popular and most visible faces on their respective teams. Most talented? Maybe. Ultimately, that determination will be made over time, based on the entire careers of CB4 & the Doctor, and the career successes of their Toronto teammates.

Were/are they integral parts of their teams? Sure.

Does their departure signal the irretrievable downfall of their teams, going into the next (couple of) season(s)? Hell, no. No, no, no. In fact, I couldn't scream “NO” any louder right now if I were being told I was being forced to attend a Nickelback concert!

Perhaps, if the teams were both on the precipice of something fantastic, with all the other necessary winning pieces in place, then the absence of Bosh and Halladay would be the ruination of the team(s)...but neither team is in that place!

And people seem to forget that both basketball and baseball are TEAM sports.

In basketball, it is conceivable for a marquee, franchise player to carry a middling team beyond the mediocrity with which they're surrounded. Bosh has shown that he can be that player (case in point, the 2005-2006 season...March of '06, Bosh got injured, the Raps went 1-10 in subsequent games without him). But the team is not currently winning (last season 33-49, so far this season 13-17)...sure, Bosh is their best player, one of the best in the league, but the team, as a whole, needs a LOT of work. Losing him certainly won't *help* the team, but that alone doesn't guarantee the Raptors' downfall.

In baseball, one ace player does not a playoff team make. A pitcher usually works every 5 games. A team plays 162 games per season. A really good pitcher can generally be counted on to get 20 wins in a season (FYI, in 2003, Halladay's best season, in terms of his W-L record, and the year he won his first Cy Young award, he went 22-7 with a 3.25 ERA). Assuming your ace brings in 20 wins, that still leaves 142 games with which to contend. I'm no mathematician, but, that seems like a lot of games.

Let me put it this way: If you have a car with a brand new shiny transmission, but the car also has flat tires, no oil and a body infested with rust, you're not going to get too far, no matter how impressive your tranny (yes, "impressive tranny" could be used as a euphemism).

To summarize: Toronto fans, relax. Our teams have waaaay bigger issues than losing their superstars. Like the Jays' new fetus of a GM. And the fact that Marco Bellinelli gleefully admits that if he weren't playing basketball, he'd be working in fashion.

Anyway...a quick farewell to Mr. Halladay. As he displayed for his entire tenure in Toronto, both on-field & off, Roy Halladay left Toronto the epitome of class...as evidenced by the full-page ad he took out in the Toronto Sun...

Thanks for everything, Doc. You will be missed.

Saturday in Toronto

I had a ridiculously fun day today..went to the Jays game with some great friends, Chad & Sarah, who garnered a babysitter and took the train in from their burbalicious homestead.

It was supposed to go up to 22 degrees celcius today...while I'm not sure if the temp actually reached those lofty heights, it was definitely a gorgeous day, though very cloudy and the roof at the SkyRogersCentreDome was not open (which was a good thing, as it turns out, cuz it was raining quite a bit when we arrived).

Anyway, we met up w/Chad & Sarah about 15 minutes prior to the game and went in to enjoy a lovely afternoon of baseball (and they bought most of the drinks, so that's always a bonus!)

The Jays ended up winning 4-2 in extra innings, thanks to Lyle Overbay, who blasted a 2 run homer in the 12th, justifying his bobblehead game on Sunday. Way to go Lyle!

The only issue I have with the game, is with the fact that some people are fucking assholes. Dude..

Sarah and I went to the bathroom at some point, I think it was in the 4th inning...we came back and heard an incredible tale of assholishness...apparently, some folks were talking to other folks who happened to be a few rows ahead of them...

Note: During breaks in play, they play really loud music.

So, what happened was, these people were chatting (probably loudly, because the music in the stadium is incredibly loud) and some total cunt looks at them and says, "Were you born like that?"

It was a good thing I was in the bathroom at that point or this bitch would have had her asshole verbally and possibly surgically removed and handed to her.

But I was not there.

So Sarah and I returned to the seats and heard the tale of the bitch who didn't approve of chatting during baseball games.

We continued to enjoy the game.

Of course, later on, another 2 guys/fans, got chastised because they were standing up! Oh no! Not standing up!!

So the usher comes down to ask these 2 guys to sit down..and they politely asked, "Why?"

The usher said, "People were complaining. You have to sit down."

Then some grumpy fucking asshole, sitting a few seats behind them (probably the dick who complained that they'd been standing, in the first place), says, "She told you to sit down! So sit down!"

Hey, fucko, it's a BASEBALL GAME not the fucking SYMPHONY! FUCK OFF!!

Anyway, the usher gets them to sit down...and then I decided to stand up at every conceivable opportunity...sure, I had the usher bitching at me....I took that chance to call her a nazi...

Yay, Saturday! Yay baseball! OK! OK! BLUE JAYS! BLUE JAYS! LET'S PLAY BALL!

Oops!!

Every morning, I tune into CP24 to check the current weather and forecast for the day, so I know how to dress, and whether or not I should stop on my way to work to purchase my 18th umbrella for the calendar year.

CP24 (or "Cable Pulse 24") is CityTV's gift to the hyperactive & ADD-affected: Too much information for a normal person to possibly process all at once, changing faster than the speed of light. Super-information overload. News, weather, sports, some kind of TV broadcast in the left-hand corner and, I assume, Shakespearian sonnets and/or other culturally enlightening fodder on a ticker not visable to mine slow-moving eyes/brain.

In the morning, the TV portion of the channel airs their "Breakfast Television" broadcast, starring Dina & Kevin (a surprisingly unannoying pair of hosts, as far as TV hosting duos are concerned). March 16th must have been Kevin's day off because Frank was filling in for him.

Anyway, Breakfast Television was running some kind of contest/promotion (the details of which are irrelevent to this story, which is a good thing, because I don't have the requisite gumption to Google it) where the hosts randomly choose an entrant and call them at the number they've provided. The chosen entrant *must* answer their phone saying "I watch BT" (or something along those lines) in order to win the big prize.

So, Dina & Frank dialed the potential winner....on speakerphone, of course....the phone rang & rang....and rang....Dina & Frank bantered a bit during this period because, let's face it, "watching" a phone ring isn't the most compelling television, morning or otherwise, and they have to keep us entertained!

During their banter, we heard, "POHOELLO" or something like that...

Dina said, "Hello?"

Random Contest Winner replied "Hello?"

Frank said, "If you were to say something right now, what would it be?"

*pause*

Random Contest Winner finally answered, "You people are fucking crazy..."

Naturally, they hung up on her as quickly as possible, but not before the damage was done...and I laughed & laughed...nothin' like genuinely live TV without a time delay!

Thanks Random Contest Winner. You made my Monday.

FESCHUK!

I've always had a real hate-on for Dave Feschuk, alleged sports writer for The Toronto Star.

I'm not sure why, but he's annoyed me since I first encountered his "work".

Maybe it's the unibrow, maybe it's the nefarious glare from his dead, dead eyes, maybe it's that I believe his articles are fluffy, ill-informed and poorly written...probably a combination of the 3.

I refer to him as The Evil Feschuk or in Seinfeldian, "FESCHUK!" a la "NEWMAN!".

I'm not sure why I still read his articles...sometimes, it's accidental....because I'm a basketball & baseball fan, I click on the link to an article about the Raptors or the Jays without even noticing the writer's name..then I find myself getting irritated by some idiotic statement, glance at the byline and inevitably mutter, "FESCHUK!"

Besides the fact that I very rarely respect anything he has to say, he could also use a good copy editor--one with more than a cursory knowledge of grammar. In the past week, Feschuk has TWICE used the word "inferred" when the word he should have been using was "implied"--two words with very different meanings.

(Though some sources now indicate that "infer" & "imply" can be used interchangeably, please don't give this credence. These are the same sources that cite "irregardless" as a word simply because it's become part of the redneck vernacular. It's this type of regressive laziness that is reducing the clarity of the English language. )


So, in conclusion...

Down with Feschuk!

Rambling Rant

I'm certain that if I stopped a bunch of people, randomly on the street, they'd have no trouble immediately identifying at least one recent perplexing ad campaign or utterly confounding piece of marketing to which they'd been exposed.

I fancy myself a fairly astute person and yet I am regularly stymied by advertising that is ostensibly being presented in my first language--sure, I may no longer exist in the ideal target demographic for marketers, but I'm not *that* far removed from current trends/pop culture, I should still be able to readily deduce the meaning behind the advertising I see. I mean, c'mon, gag me with a spoon!

Anyway, I was pondering the ubiquity and idiocy of advertising yesterday while at the Raptors game here in Toronto.

There really are very few places in North America where you can escape marketing. And, in some places, (like large-scale sporting facilities), you are simply inundated by ads, wherever you look, from the minute you walk through the doors. From the name of the venue (in this case, the Air Canada Centre) to company branding on every conceivable surface and product (including the cheerleaders--this year, sponsored by Irish Spring!).

During Raptors games, there are always several corporately-sponsored, featured prize giveaways during timeouts & halftime. Sometimes, they'll just give the shit away and other times contestants will have to do something--inevitably embarrassing and/or stupid--to win the prize.

There were many ridiculous giveaways yesterday, as per usual--including a BMO Bank of Montreal contest where, in order to compete for the big prize (4 Raptors tickets in shitty seats, I believe) people had to stand up in their seats, whip out their Bank of Montreal debit cards and wave them around like maniacs. Yup, that actually happened--almost half the arena was on their feet waving around their bank cards...seems like a good plan for all involved.

Sunday was also "Doritos Day" at the ACC.

This meant, that during certain breaks in play, employees/promoters would hand out bags of Doritos to the (evidently) hungry fans.

Of course, what this also meant was that the entire concourse of the ACC all the way to Union Station and beyond was litter-ally covered with the detritus of this stroke-of-genius Doritos promotion--chip bags absolutely everywhere (except, apparently, in garbage receptacles).

(See what I did there? Litter-ally? Because I'm talking about litter? Hahahaha! Goddamn, I'm witty.)

Which also raises the question: What kind of pigs inhabit this city that they can't fucking hold on to a goddamn chip bag until they encounter a garbage can? The city of Toronto--and most venues existing herein--are pretty fanatical about ensuring that there are plenty of garbage bins everywhere...Didn't Toronto used to have a reputation for being ridiculously clean? What the hell?

An Open Letter to the Littering Jackasses at the Air Canada Centre Yesterday

Dear Assholes,

I know, I know..the bag that held that delicious, free snack must have been cumbersome for you to transport. Probably heavy, right? Plus, you also needed both hands free for pushing people in front of you and/or dragging your snot-nosed kids and/or high-fiving people. And you certainly didn't want to put it in your pocket--ew, chip cooties!!

But please--in future--if you think you won't be able to manage depositing that little chip bag into a garbage can when you're finished with it, could you maybe decline the free chips?

No? Not going to happen?

OK, OK, I shouldn't ask you to deprive yourself of free chips. Silly me!

Here's an idea: When you're done with the chip bag, how 'bout you shove it up your ass, you inconsiderate, self-centred jerkface?

Thanks so much! You're a peach!

Love,
Julia

Toronto: Anything Goes!

Recently, a group of us from my office went out for lunch.

On our walk back, 3 of us were walking ahead and I was walking behind with my co-worker, Joel.

Suddenly, something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye…it was a naked butt…as I clasped my hands over my mouth and shockingly shouted, "Oh dear Lord!" I realized the guy was, in fact, taking a whiz into a bottle of some kind.

Joel said, "Well, when you gotta go, you gotta go.." and I couldn't even respond! It was a business district, right on Bloor street, and a guy was taking a whiz!

Then Joel said, "I've never seen that before.." and I said, "And that is your calm response??!"

In relaying the story to another co-worker, who was with us, but was in the group walking ahead of me and missed this debacle, he asked, "Was it a hobo?"

I said, "Um..well, he wasn't carrying a bandana bag on a stick, if that's what you're asking.."

He clarified, "OK, was it a disenfranchised person, then?"

I replied, "Yes, definitely."

He said, "I wish I'd seen that!"

Appalled, I responded, "No you don't!!! Are you crazy?!"

Gotta love the mean streets of Toronto.

I do respond to complaints.

I've had a couple of people complain that they miss my random musings.

Since I live to please my fans (and accept cash donations, by the way, as appreciation of my genius), I will try to post more frequently, even if I don't have a goddamn thing to say (as I usually don't).

The other day, I walked home from the subway. For those of you who live in Toronto/Ontario, you'll know that it has been ridiculously cold. It was like Dryden in February cold--and I did *not* sign up for that when I moved to southern Ontario!!

Anyway, I was well bundled up, so it wasn't too horrible. I had five layers on my upper body, which is pretty much my maximum--undershirt, sweater, fleece, another fleece, coat. And a purple toque.

Actually, I got off the subway a couple of stops before my stop, as I frequently do, just so I could get a bit more of a walk. I walked by the Running Room and saw a woman exit the establishment, sporting full winter running gear...those thick pants, one of those long jackets, toque...she came out and began jogging...I thought to myself, "Wow! That's dedication! Running on a day like today! Good for her!"

She proceeded to run half a block and enter the Pizza Hut.

Despite searching my mind to find some reason, any reason, that could make sense of this course of events, I could not. Who gets dressed up in running gear to travel half a block to a greasy pizza place?

I am still stymied.

Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle-K

That's blatant lie. We don't even have Circle-Ks in Toronto. But ever since "Be Excellent to Each Other" left the lexicon at the dawn of the 1990s, I so rarely get the opportunity to pepper my speech with Bill- and/or Ted-isms, I thought we'd all get a nostalgic kick out of titling my post thusly.

Regardless, there are strange things afoot, just not at the Circle-K. Actually, that might be an inadvertent untruth, too. There may very well be strange things afoot at a Circle-K, somewhere in the world, so I really shouldn't be spreading any "all is well" rumours unless I receive some on-the-scene witness verification on that. I'll keep you posted.

Anyway, the oddities to which I'm referring are taking place in High Park.

Yesterday, I started my walk home, entering the park from the northeastern tip of the park, near the Keele Subway station. As I entered the "woodsy" area, something shiny caught my eye. Much like a brand-new puppy, I'm easily distracted by shiny objects and I scampered over to investigate.

There was a piece of jewellery hanging on the lower limb of a pine tree. It was quite a pretty necklace, one I'd actually wear. I kept walking by the tree and noticed ANOTHER necklace hanging on another branch--accompanied by a lovely pair of earrings! Then I realized there was a third, incredibly tacky necklace, adorning yet another branch!

Obviously, these discoveries were perplexing. Typically, when you happen upon something in the park that's not normally found in nature, it's garbage..coffee cups, cigarette butts etc. (Yes, despite the fact that there are plenty of receptacles conveniently located through the park, it is still perpetually littered with trash). So to see several pieces of jewellery hanging on a tree puzzled me immeasurably!

I came up with several possible explanations, none of which seem plausible...

—A local family can't wait to begin Christmas celebrations. Their tyrant father won't allow any Yuletide talk until December 10th. As such, they've chosen to decorate a tree in the park, with inauspicious trinkets that they were able to remove from the home without arousing any suspicion.

—These pieces of jewellery were found in the park, inadvertently lost and/or left behind by previous visitors. Benevolent hikers happened upon the jewellery and hung it on the universally known "Lost Jewellery Tree". Though not publicized, this particular tree is known to one and all as the park's "Lost and Found" area. If you ever lose something in the park, check the tree!

—A secret admirer of mine is trying to get my attention. Every day he/she hangs a new piece of jewellery on the tree, hoping to catch my attention, whilst lurking in the bushes, surreptitiously spying on me as I walk home. Should I one day take the shiny bait, he/she plans to jump out of the bushes declaring their love/lust in hopes that we'll live happily ever after.

I dunno. I heard there was a movie shooting in High Park yesterday, so perhaps it was related to the production.

Anyone else have any ideas?