Marley & Me (the movie): Utter (Dog) Crap

I had the misfortune of attending "Marley & Me" at the Cineplex this past weekend.

In hindsight, I would have rather rolled around in doggie doodoo than sat through that piece of shit.

God (Or should I say "Dog"?), what a horrific experience!

Normally, this film would NEVER appear on a list of movies I would have any desire to see. Not only does the whole thing SCREAM lowest-common-denominator-catering, syrupy, family-oriented, pap-filled monstrosity (not my proverbial cup o' tea) [see poster above..cutesy, right?]. But it stars not just one but TWO of the most annoying personalities in all of Hollywood--the loathsome Jennifer Aniston and the inexplicably famous, utterly charm-free Owen Wilson. Oy!

However, last week, as I was sunning myself in the Dominican, I had the opportunity to read the book on which this movie was based. And I found it to be thoroughly entertaining--heart-warming, tear-jerking (and not in an entirely nauseatingly cloying & manipulative way, which I despise) and hilarious.

And this weekend, when I was scanning the paltry selection of movies available for my viewing "pleasure", I couldn't find a single one in which I was interested--at least not playing at my local theatre--so, after perusing the various reviews, we chose "Marley & Me"...I was looking for light, comedic fare, the reviews had been generally positive and I had enjoyed the book, so how bad could it be?

I think, from my general tone thus far, you can accurately deduce just "how bad" it could be (and was).

It was so bad, about 20 minutes in, the gentleman seated next to me frightened (and, subsequently, amused) me with his seat-shaking snores.

And it wasn't *just* bad, as compared to the book. I know, "The book's always better than the movie!" However, in this case, I think it's doubly true..

One, because it's just not a good movie. It's boring and a waste of time. Aniston & Wilson did nothing to alter my negative opinion(s) of them--in fact, I wanted to smack them both, soundly, several times, throughout the film (but I see someone's already beaten me to it).

If you haven't read the book (and you're in full possession of your faculties, of course) you're still going to think it's a pedestrian, occasionally amusing, pointless story, about a bunch of jejune people about whom you can't be bothered to give two shits.

Two, because it's not just a watered-down, poorly translated version of the book, that suffers because of running-time-related content edits.

If you have read the book, you'll recognize that the WHOLE POINT of the book has been eschewed. The book, basically a compilation of newspaper columns by the the author, relays the touching tale of a crazy, irascible, incorrigible dog, with a bottomless pit for a stomach and an even bigger heart, and how this dog affects the people with whom he comes in contact. The book tells the story of Marley's human family on the periphery of the story about Marley himself.

The movie, unsurprisingly, is standard, chronological, bland Hollywood storytelling and focuses almost entirely on the human family--who aren't all that unique or interesting, simply an average family living their lives--and the dog just happens to be a part of it. That's not what I had anticipated and it was very disappointing.

For example, the book describes an event, late one night, when they hear screaming from their neighbour's yard--the man takes the dog and goes to investigate and instructs his wife to call the police. Once outside, they find their teenage neighbour has been stabbed--he and the dog comfort her and stay with her until help arrives. Marley's dedication in this scene as written is beautiful & touching.

In the movie, however, they don't even show Marley in the scene, other than by implication--the event is simply used as a catalytic plot-device aka the reason the family decides to move from that 'hood. Cheap! Cheap, I tells ya! Boo!

Oh well, the popcorn was good. And I was happy to get home and play with Kuda afterwards and appreciate the fact that she almost never consumes appliances in my absence. :)


Don't get me wrong, I highly recommend the book, if you're into that kind of thing (doggy-centric memoirs), but I seriously caution you not to waste your time or money on the movie version.

Oh, and, did I mention (kudos to whoever did this and to the folks who are featuring it on their site..much appreciated...):

Weird Weather

We've had strange, spring-like weather the past few days--with crazy wind & rain. "Warm & unsettled" was the official prognostication from the weather folks, I think.

I got up this morning to take the dog for a walk and when we went outside, the southern sky was a vivid, other-worldly pinkish-purple and the northern sky held 2 parallel rainbows. This lasted no more than a couple of minutes, but it was spectacular and I was glad to be up that early and out to enjoy it. :)

FESCHUK!

I've always had a real hate-on for Dave Feschuk, alleged sports writer for The Toronto Star.

I'm not sure why, but he's annoyed me since I first encountered his "work".

Maybe it's the unibrow, maybe it's the nefarious glare from his dead, dead eyes, maybe it's that I believe his articles are fluffy, ill-informed and poorly written...probably a combination of the 3.

I refer to him as The Evil Feschuk or in Seinfeldian, "FESCHUK!" a la "NEWMAN!".

I'm not sure why I still read his articles...sometimes, it's accidental....because I'm a basketball & baseball fan, I click on the link to an article about the Raptors or the Jays without even noticing the writer's name..then I find myself getting irritated by some idiotic statement, glance at the byline and inevitably mutter, "FESCHUK!"

Besides the fact that I very rarely respect anything he has to say, he could also use a good copy editor--one with more than a cursory knowledge of grammar. In the past week, Feschuk has TWICE used the word "inferred" when the word he should have been using was "implied"--two words with very different meanings.

(Though some sources now indicate that "infer" & "imply" can be used interchangeably, please don't give this credence. These are the same sources that cite "irregardless" as a word simply because it's become part of the redneck vernacular. It's this type of regressive laziness that is reducing the clarity of the English language. )


So, in conclusion...

Down with Feschuk!

Why Some People Shouldn't Drive--Part II

Last night/early this morning a couple of inches of wet, heavy, sticky snow was dumped on Toronto--the kind of snow that slushes up the streets & sidewalks, is perfect for building snowforts/initiating snowball wars and will not simply blow off your vehicle once you get moving, you must arduously & assiduously remove it yourself.

This morning, I passed a City of Toronto police cruiser, apparently being driven by a member of the force who possesses x-ray vision--or simply doesn't give much credence to the importance of checking one's blind-spot whilst driving.

This officer's vehicle had been thoroughly cleaned off--front windshield, back window, driver's & passenger side doors--except for the back seat windows. Huh? Too friggin' lazy to spend that extra couple of minutes to ensure maximum visibility while on the road, possibly weaving in & out of rush hour traffic while speeding to the scene of a crime? Hmmmm.

Strange behaviour for someone sworn to allegedly "protect & serve."

Unless this officer does, in fact, possess x-ray vision--in that case, mea culpa. In fact, I feel bad, let me apologize in song:

Did you ever know that you're my (super) hero?
And everything I wish I could be?
I can fly higher than an eagle, because you are the all-seeing wind beneath my wings...

Rambling Rant

I'm certain that if I stopped a bunch of people, randomly on the street, they'd have no trouble immediately identifying at least one recent perplexing ad campaign or utterly confounding piece of marketing to which they'd been exposed.

I fancy myself a fairly astute person and yet I am regularly stymied by advertising that is ostensibly being presented in my first language--sure, I may no longer exist in the ideal target demographic for marketers, but I'm not *that* far removed from current trends/pop culture, I should still be able to readily deduce the meaning behind the advertising I see. I mean, c'mon, gag me with a spoon!

Anyway, I was pondering the ubiquity and idiocy of advertising yesterday while at the Raptors game here in Toronto.

There really are very few places in North America where you can escape marketing. And, in some places, (like large-scale sporting facilities), you are simply inundated by ads, wherever you look, from the minute you walk through the doors. From the name of the venue (in this case, the Air Canada Centre) to company branding on every conceivable surface and product (including the cheerleaders--this year, sponsored by Irish Spring!).

During Raptors games, there are always several corporately-sponsored, featured prize giveaways during timeouts & halftime. Sometimes, they'll just give the shit away and other times contestants will have to do something--inevitably embarrassing and/or stupid--to win the prize.

There were many ridiculous giveaways yesterday, as per usual--including a BMO Bank of Montreal contest where, in order to compete for the big prize (4 Raptors tickets in shitty seats, I believe) people had to stand up in their seats, whip out their Bank of Montreal debit cards and wave them around like maniacs. Yup, that actually happened--almost half the arena was on their feet waving around their bank cards...seems like a good plan for all involved.

Sunday was also "Doritos Day" at the ACC.

This meant, that during certain breaks in play, employees/promoters would hand out bags of Doritos to the (evidently) hungry fans.

Of course, what this also meant was that the entire concourse of the ACC all the way to Union Station and beyond was litter-ally covered with the detritus of this stroke-of-genius Doritos promotion--chip bags absolutely everywhere (except, apparently, in garbage receptacles).

(See what I did there? Litter-ally? Because I'm talking about litter? Hahahaha! Goddamn, I'm witty.)

Which also raises the question: What kind of pigs inhabit this city that they can't fucking hold on to a goddamn chip bag until they encounter a garbage can? The city of Toronto--and most venues existing herein--are pretty fanatical about ensuring that there are plenty of garbage bins everywhere...Didn't Toronto used to have a reputation for being ridiculously clean? What the hell?

An Open Letter to the Littering Jackasses at the Air Canada Centre Yesterday

Dear Assholes,

I know, I know..the bag that held that delicious, free snack must have been cumbersome for you to transport. Probably heavy, right? Plus, you also needed both hands free for pushing people in front of you and/or dragging your snot-nosed kids and/or high-fiving people. And you certainly didn't want to put it in your pocket--ew, chip cooties!!

But please--in future--if you think you won't be able to manage depositing that little chip bag into a garbage can when you're finished with it, could you maybe decline the free chips?

No? Not going to happen?

OK, OK, I shouldn't ask you to deprive yourself of free chips. Silly me!

Here's an idea: When you're done with the chip bag, how 'bout you shove it up your ass, you inconsiderate, self-centred jerkface?

Thanks so much! You're a peach!

Love,
Julia

Why some people shouldn't drive...

(Dog pictured above not to scale and not necessarily the breed referenced in the following story. Dog in story was also much fluffier and sporting a much fancier hairdo.)

Driving to work the other morning, turning right on to Bloor, there was one car ahead of us, also turning right...at a glacial pace.

When this car finally turned the corner, it proceeded along at approximately 5 kms/hour. It was also weaving from side to side..

As soon as it was feasible, we moved into the other lane and passed this annoyance.

When we drove past the car, it became obvious why it was being driven so slowly (and yet dangerously) - the driver was simultaneously "driving" and talking on a cell phone - with a DOG ON HER LAP!!

What the fuck? As if talking on a cell & driving wasn't dangerous enough...

The phone was in her right hand and she was (presumably) steering with her left hand - this, however, cannot be confirmed, because the view of her left arm was obscured by the dog.

It's also important to note that this was not a small dog--it was medium-sized (and very fluffy) and it could actually see over the steering wheel from its position on the woman's lap. As you can imagine, the dog's fluffy mane significantly reduced the driver's already obstructed view of the road.

I really wanted to get out of the car, haul her ass into the street and beat some sense into her...but it was really cold that morning, so I resisted.

Bitch got lucky. Legit.