Dear MLSE

An Open Letter to Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment (owners of the Toronto Maple Leafs & the Toronto Raptors):

I just wanted to commend you, as an organization and your unwavering commitment to the fans.

For those of you who don't know, the Raptors' organization is having a "Fan Appreciation Night", occurring February 3rd. And their way of expressing their appreciation for the fanbase is via an exciting, half-time performance by a contemporary musical artist....(wait for it)....

For those of you who weren't alive in 1990, that's Vanilla Ice (né Robert Van Winkle).

Not to degrade the artist known as Vanilla Ice, but, the last time he was popular/relevant, the Raptors were still FIVE YEARS AWAY FROM EXISTENCE.

Maple Leafs Sports & Entertainment: If you want to express your appreciation to your fans, perhaps you should choose a performer who is popular NOW...or was popular--oh I don't know--in the last decade?

Or, since this is the NBA's lone Canadian team, how about showcasing a Canadian band that is up & coming now?

No?

OK, so, "Canadian" obviously wasn't one of the parameters when you were making your choice. Nor was "current" one of the criteria. I could suggest that "kitsch appeal" was your main requirement, but that's really reaching.

If you have something against current bands, why not pick an act that was popular, exactly, fifteen years ago? The Raptors came into existence in '95, you could have chosen a performer who hit it big that year and you could have formulated a marketing tie-in with a band that was popular the year the Raptors were born!

(I'm pretty sure Hootie & the Blowfish are available...)

The point is, Vanilla Ice, is, simply, an embarrassing choice!

It's embarrassing now, to even discuss!

And it's going to be horribly, painfully embarrassing that night--even more embarrassing than the team that the Raptors are playing that day! Yes, it's going to be more embarrassing than the 2009-2010 Nets (and I didn't think that was possible).

The fans aren't going to be in to it..because...well...it's VANILLA ICE...and it's not 1990!

And it's going to be embarrasing for Mr. Ice...he's got to know how ridiculous he is!

Then again, a precedent was set by the NBA last year (specifically, the Denver Nuggets) when Vanilla performed a half-time gig at a Nuggets/Hornets game (see evidence below).

Thanks, a lot, Denver.

I feel bad for him.

I feel bad for the fans.

I feel bad for those of us who were in high school when "Ice, Ice Baby" came out and, as such, still know all the words to that insidious ditty, despite our best efforts to excise it from our minds.

I can't decide if I want to be there for this train wreck or not...on one hand, as previously mentioned, I'm embarrassed.

But, on the other hand, if a 3-legged talking dog comes to your city, you don't miss the meet 'n' greet!

I'd be a fool to miss this spectacle!

See ya there!

Baseball & Basketball Are DEAD in Toronto!!

Before anyone gets pissy with me in reaction to the inflammatory subject line of this post, please realize that the title is meant to be taken with a gargantuan grain of sodium chloride.

The other day, ESPN’s Bill Simmons (aka “The Sports Guy”) revealed the contents of an email he had received from a Toronto sports fan, "expressing..dismay that (A) Roy Halladay was traded, and (B) Chris Bosh is a mortal lock to be playing somewhere else next season. By August…Canada's best non-hockey player would be either Hedo Turkoglu or Aaron Hill.”

Thanks, Sports Guy!

This gives me the opportunity to address something that’s been sticking in my craw for months. (In case you’re wondering, when something is "stuck in one’s craw" it manifests as an uncomfortable pressure building inside you…much like it does inside Poopypants after “Chili Night in Canada”).

I’m not going to debate the identity of which athlete (not on skates), playing for a Canadian team, should be considered the country’s best player, in the absence of Halladay & Bosh. At best, it would be a specious argument; at worst, I’ll end up in a psych ward because I finally decided to throw feces at the insane co-worker who continues to insist that Rafer Alston could have saved the Raps, if we’d only “given him a chance”.

Yeah, OK.

What I will address is the pathetic, defeated attitude expressed by so many Blue Jays fans at the (entirely expected) departure of Halladay and the unbridled panic that sets in amongst Raptors fans at the mere hint of Bosh leaving (which is, obviously, also, a somewhat predictable transaction).

I'm not suggesting the exits of Halladay & Bosh won't be huge losses to their teams. However, some people seem to think that the loss of Halladay and the imminent/inevitable departure of Bosh makes the city of Toronto akin to a Jessica Simpson movie crossed with a dark & stormy Canadian night…that is, talentless & star-free.


Chris Bosh & Roy Halladay are/were the most popular and most visible faces on their respective teams. Most talented? Maybe. Ultimately, that determination will be made over time, based on the entire careers of CB4 & the Doctor, and the career successes of their Toronto teammates.

Were/are they integral parts of their teams? Sure.

Does their departure signal the irretrievable downfall of their teams, going into the next (couple of) season(s)? Hell, no. No, no, no. In fact, I couldn't scream “NO” any louder right now if I were being told I was being forced to attend a Nickelback concert!

Perhaps, if the teams were both on the precipice of something fantastic, with all the other necessary winning pieces in place, then the absence of Bosh and Halladay would be the ruination of the team(s)...but neither team is in that place!

And people seem to forget that both basketball and baseball are TEAM sports.

In basketball, it is conceivable for a marquee, franchise player to carry a middling team beyond the mediocrity with which they're surrounded. Bosh has shown that he can be that player (case in point, the 2005-2006 season...March of '06, Bosh got injured, the Raps went 1-10 in subsequent games without him). But the team is not currently winning (last season 33-49, so far this season 13-17)...sure, Bosh is their best player, one of the best in the league, but the team, as a whole, needs a LOT of work. Losing him certainly won't *help* the team, but that alone doesn't guarantee the Raptors' downfall.

In baseball, one ace player does not a playoff team make. A pitcher usually works every 5 games. A team plays 162 games per season. A really good pitcher can generally be counted on to get 20 wins in a season (FYI, in 2003, Halladay's best season, in terms of his W-L record, and the year he won his first Cy Young award, he went 22-7 with a 3.25 ERA). Assuming your ace brings in 20 wins, that still leaves 142 games with which to contend. I'm no mathematician, but, that seems like a lot of games.

Let me put it this way: If you have a car with a brand new shiny transmission, but the car also has flat tires, no oil and a body infested with rust, you're not going to get too far, no matter how impressive your tranny (yes, "impressive tranny" could be used as a euphemism).

To summarize: Toronto fans, relax. Our teams have waaaay bigger issues than losing their superstars. Like the Jays' new fetus of a GM. And the fact that Marco Bellinelli gleefully admits that if he weren't playing basketball, he'd be working in fashion.

Anyway...a quick farewell to Mr. Halladay. As he displayed for his entire tenure in Toronto, both on-field & off, Roy Halladay left Toronto the epitome of class...as evidenced by the full-page ad he took out in the Toronto Sun...

Thanks for everything, Doc. You will be missed.

Saturday in Toronto

I had a ridiculously fun day today..went to the Jays game with some great friends, Chad & Sarah, who garnered a babysitter and took the train in from their burbalicious homestead.

It was supposed to go up to 22 degrees celcius today...while I'm not sure if the temp actually reached those lofty heights, it was definitely a gorgeous day, though very cloudy and the roof at the SkyRogersCentreDome was not open (which was a good thing, as it turns out, cuz it was raining quite a bit when we arrived).

Anyway, we met up w/Chad & Sarah about 15 minutes prior to the game and went in to enjoy a lovely afternoon of baseball (and they bought most of the drinks, so that's always a bonus!)

The Jays ended up winning 4-2 in extra innings, thanks to Lyle Overbay, who blasted a 2 run homer in the 12th, justifying his bobblehead game on Sunday. Way to go Lyle!

The only issue I have with the game, is with the fact that some people are fucking assholes. Dude..

Sarah and I went to the bathroom at some point, I think it was in the 4th inning...we came back and heard an incredible tale of assholishness...apparently, some folks were talking to other folks who happened to be a few rows ahead of them...

Note: During breaks in play, they play really loud music.

So, what happened was, these people were chatting (probably loudly, because the music in the stadium is incredibly loud) and some total cunt looks at them and says, "Were you born like that?"

It was a good thing I was in the bathroom at that point or this bitch would have had her asshole verbally and possibly surgically removed and handed to her.

But I was not there.

So Sarah and I returned to the seats and heard the tale of the bitch who didn't approve of chatting during baseball games.

We continued to enjoy the game.

Of course, later on, another 2 guys/fans, got chastised because they were standing up! Oh no! Not standing up!!

So the usher comes down to ask these 2 guys to sit down..and they politely asked, "Why?"

The usher said, "People were complaining. You have to sit down."

Then some grumpy fucking asshole, sitting a few seats behind them (probably the dick who complained that they'd been standing, in the first place), says, "She told you to sit down! So sit down!"

Hey, fucko, it's a BASEBALL GAME not the fucking SYMPHONY! FUCK OFF!!

Anyway, the usher gets them to sit down...and then I decided to stand up at every conceivable opportunity...sure, I had the usher bitching at me....I took that chance to call her a nazi...

Yay, Saturday! Yay baseball! OK! OK! BLUE JAYS! BLUE JAYS! LET'S PLAY BALL!

Weekend in The Cleve

For those of you who are wondering why I keep referring to Cleveland as "The Cleve", it's a "30 Rock" reference.

"For God’s sakes Lemon, we’d all like to flee to the Cleve and club up at the Flats and have lunch with Little Richard, but we fight those urges."

And for those of you who didn't know it was a "30 Rock" reference, we are officially no longer friends--I have no desire to associate with anyone who doesn't watch 30 Rock. What kind of asshole doesn't watch 30 Rock? An asshole with whom I don't want to be friends, that's what kind!

Anyway...

My (# 1 in the AL East) Toronto Blue Jays were playing a series in Cleveland over Easter weekend and, naturally, we decided to go!!

After a leisurely Good Friday, doing a whole lotta nothing, we drove down to Niagara Falls for the night...gambled for a few hours and got a good night's sleep, since we had to hit the road pretty early in order to make it to the stadium in plenty of time for the 1 pm game.

Before we left, we managed to grab a pair of 2nd row tickets (below face value, no less) from "StubHub"--right behind the Blue Jays dugout!! Woohoo!

We woke up Saturday morning and it was a beautiful, sunny day (a huge improvement over the previous day's rain--and the previous day's 3.5 hour rain delay of game in Cleveland!), however, once we stepped outside we realized it was fucking freezing!! Good God.

We had an uneventful drive to Cleveland's "Progressive Field" (formerly known as "Jacob's Field" and (still) affectionately referred to by those "in the know" as "The Jake"). Once we found parking (right across the street from the stadium), we exited the car (with fingers crossed no one would vandalize the car for bearing an Ontario license plate)and realized it was even colder, in Cleveland, than it was in Niagara Falls!! D'oh!

Speaking of "d'oh", I stupidly forgot my gloves in the car. Nor did I bring the blanket with me from the trunk. I'm so stupid.

Indians fans were everywhere, heading in to the stadium, though we did spot more than a couple of Blue Jay hats, here and there, in the crowd. Cleveland is the closest city for which Torontonians can travel for professional baseball or basketball, so it's no surprise that a number of folks made the trek--particularly since this was a long weekend!

I've travelled a lot and been to a number of cities for both Jays and Raptors games. For the most part, people in these cities (and inside the sporting venues) have been remarkably, overwhelmingly friendly and welcoming, even when I'm sporting my team's paraphernalia!

That's not the case in The Cleve.

Fans in this city are rabid & vicious! We previously attended a Cavaliers vs Raptors game and encountered exactly the same thing. Psychos abounded!!

We had wandered around the concourse of the stadium for a bit (freezing!) trying to locate our seats...(and what great seats they were!!). However, when we went to sit down, a crusty old man in the seats beside ours snarled, "I go to ONE GAME A YEAR and I have to sit by JAYS fans...why didn't you just stay home??!"

Well, thanks for the warm welcome!


I ordered a cocktail (something called a "Jelly Bean" w/vodka, watermelon liquor & cranberry juice...it's allegedly some kind of Cleveland Easter treat, though my friend Kimmy, who's lived in the area her entire life, had never heard of it...anyway, it was DELICIOUS! It was also very well iced and the ice didn't melt even a little bit, due to the extreme temperatures, so it was semi-painful to hold).


I'm not sure how cold it actually was, but we could see our breath, and the wind off the lake was very strong that day and, obviously, extremely chilly. Thank goodness there was not a cloud in the sky--it would have been far more uncomfortable than it was if the sun hadn't been beating down all afternoon. In fact, the staff were actually moving people from one side of the stadium (that was becoming more and more shadow-covered as the day wore on) to the other so they could be in the sun!


The game was amazing...the Jays pulled out a victory despite the best (aka worst) efforts of BJ Ryan (the Blue Jays' ostensible "closer") to ruin all the hard work done by ace Roy Halladay, the starting pitcher, and the collective Blue Jays bats....

The Jays were up 5-1 (I can't recall if it was in the 8th or the 9th that Cito brought Ryan in) and Ryan managed to walk the bases loaded. I was so distraught I actually left my seat and paced around the concourse--I couldn't watch! It was too painful!

Anyway, final score was 5-4 for the good guys. :)

Oh, and, Indians fans: Well done! You made us feel so welcome in your city!

"JAYS SUCK!!" ~ Some guy coming out of the washroom, upon seeing a Blue Jays cap--charming!

"She's a JAYS fan." ~ Dad, grumpily, explaning to his young child why I was cheering when the Blue Jays got a hit.

"JAYS SUUUUUCK!" ~ Dad a few rows behind us

"Daddy, what's suck mean?" ~ Child of the dad who believes the Jays suck

"It means they SUCK! I hate them! They SUCK!" ~ Same dad, doing some just excellent parenting...


Overall, we had a great time...I'm also pleased to report that not everyone was as rude to us as the Indians fans inside the stadium were. As we left the game, a gentlemen wished us a "Good night" and then, noticing our hats, laughed and said, "I *know* you two will have a good night..you're Jays fans!!"

After the game, we went to meet my friend Kimmy & her wonderful son (yep, he's one of the few kids I actually LIKE!) JD for dinner at one of her favourite restaurants, with lots of veggie options, called "Tommy's" on Coventry Street. If you're in the area, I highly recommend it!

We arrived pretty early so we parked the car and explored the neighbourhood a bit (after cleverly side-stepping some puke in the parking garage...stink-o-rama!) Very cool area, major hippie vibe, lots of places I'd like to go eat should I ever make it back to The Cleve!

We decided to go for a drink at a bar/restaurant called the "Laughing Lizard" (I could be wrong about the "laughing" part...but I know it had an adjective before the word lizard in the title...it could have been "laughing"...). The drink selection was gargantuan...I was having trouble deciding...I ultimately settled on a Bloody Mary and it was GENIUS! Mmmm...(((Genius Bloody Mary)))...

After dinner, we went to what must be one of JD's favourite places on earth, a crazy novelty store called "BIG FUN". As you can see, it was, indeed, BIG fun.



The GPS lady decided to take us on a scary trek through Sketchville (not a real place) on our way out of town...we were stopped at a light, for what seemed like an eternity, and I don't mind telling you, I was becoming a little bit nervous. In any case, we glanced over at the mini-strip-mall style store to the left and noticed that the windows were all covered with ads for the store's products/services..."Bibles: $6.95 and Up!"... "Crucifixes: Sm/Med/Lg"..."Rat Bait"

Wait--what?

Then we noticed the name of the company:



Wow. What a combination of services!! And, from the looks of things, they started out exclusively selling Christian supplies. Then, for whatever reason, they decided to expand--logically, into pest control!

I have a theory that perhaps, over the years, customers would come in for their religious materials and mention how bad off they were, pest-wise...and T & L, being shrewd business owners, decided to take advantage!!

And that was our trip to The Cleve! A whirlwind of adventure!!

See ya next time, Ohio!

And Cleveland sports fans: Stay classy!

My Weekend in Chicago-Part I!

The weekend of January 24th included a jaunt to the balmy shores of Chicago!

(...they don't call it "The Windy City" for nothin', let me tell ya! )

Luckily, being from Toronto, the cold--while significant--wasn't painfully shocking...but painful, nonetheless...

Anyway, travelling for a Raptors' weekend road game has become a bit of a tradition, and since they were playing on a Friday night, and we managed to secure a fantastic deal on a flight from Buffalo ($111 all-in/return) we decided to make the trek.

Thursday night we enjoyed a complimentary night in a fancy-pants room at Casino Niagara (compulsive gambling is good for something after all!) and Friday morning, we got up super early to ensure we had enough time to get across the border, parked and through security in time for our flight.

I must say, the ability to print one's boarding passes 24-hours before one's flight is such a wonderful convenience, it saves so much time (unless, of course, you put your boarding pass down on the table at a restaurant and forget it there..*oops*..not that *I* would ever do that, though,..perish the thought!).

Turned out we needn't have worried--we got across the border with no delays whatsoever and had plenty of time to spare in the terminal once we got through security. We had breakfast and I purchased a USA Today.

I love USA Today. It's total brain candy. Like Smarties. Tiny little bites of multi-coloured deliciosity (Yep, I just made up a word. Suck it if you don't like it). You can bounce back and forth between colours and it's all delectable and you don't even have to think! Wheeeeeeeeee! :)

Our flight was great, too. No hassles, no annoyances. The flight attendants on this particular flight were remarkably amusing (failed stand-up comedians with a penchant for inflatable slides, perhaps?)...very funny, actually. We each got TWO packets of peanuts and--the best part!--unlimited tomato juice! I'm sure whichever non-alcoholic beverage you'd chosen would have been unlimited, but I just looooove tomato juice(especially on airplanes, for some inexplicable reason), so it was tremendously exciting for me.

We landed in Chicago--ahead of schedule!--and since we didn't check any bags, we just headed straight for the El. The transit system in Chicago is incredibly convenient and efficient. We bought our 3-day passes, got on the train, switched trains once, arrived at our destination station and walked a few blocks to the hotel.

On the way, we passed a "soup" restaurant (looked like a take-out place)..in the window, they had a big list of the soups they were serving that day, including a few that were described as vegetarian/vegan. Being a soup lover, and being that it was 8 million degrees below zero, we made a note of the place for future reference.

We checked in to the hotel (Omni Suites on the Magnificent Mile--fantastic experience--everything was great all weekend long. I highly recommend it.) and headed up to our "suite". This particular hotel is "All Suites" so the room was amazing--even better, we got it for 50% off! Some kind of reimbursement dealie for a previous stay at another one of their properties that had gone awry--hey, I'll take it!

We decided that soup from the soup place was in order as it was almost lunchtime and our breakfast had been verrrry early in the morning. We ended up getting the veg chili & the mixed vegetable soup. Neither were overwhelmingly impressive--chili was so-so (I like some KICK in my chili, dammit!) and the veg soup was somewhat bland--but the crusty bread that accompanied the soups was AMAZING!

Prior to our arrival, we hadn't really decided what we were going to do with our afternoon before eating dinner and heading over to the United Centre for the game. With the weather as miserable as it was, we didn't really feel like wandering around and sightseeing--besides which, I think we saw all the top tourist spots on our last trip to Chicago--so we decided to have a nap. Actually, I don't think the nap thing was a conscious decision, it just sort of happened...laid down to watch a bit of TV..woke up 2 hours later...it happens..:)

Feeling revitalized, we showered and got dressed (in Raptors shirts, naturally) and headed out for dinner. We decided on "the Grand Lux Cafe"..which is a chain restaurant, tourist-trap, affiliated with "The Cheesecake Factory" restaurants...anyway, I'd heard really good things about it and, most importantly, it was only 2 blocks from the hotel.

Turns out, it was pretty damn good. The food was fantastic. The service was impeccable. I will, however, warn you--in case you ever have the chance to eat there--the portions are HUGE. Actually, one adjective doesn't come close to adequately describing the enormity of the portions they serve there--gargantuan, mammoth, collosal. There. That's better.

I had a "dinner-size" salad (see below). It pretty much looked exactly the same when I was finished with it as it did before I dug in. But, boy, it was GOOOOOOOD.

Actually, the elephantine portions bother me a bit..unless you're planning to split one meal with one or two other people, it seems like a tremendous waste. Considering half the patrons are probably tourists for whom doggy-bags would be inconvenient, you have to assume a really big quantity of food is wasted at that place every day. A shame.

After dinner, we pondered the route & train(s) we'd need to take to get to the United Centre from our location...the wind and the temperature helped us decide: A cab it was!!

Turns out, it was only about $10 to the United Centre...well worth the expense...I need my butt and I'm almost certain it would have frozen off had I been forced to stand on an elevated platform for any length of time waiting for a train.

We got to the arena and found our gate. We did do a cursory glance around the outside of the building in search of the "famous" Michael Jordan statue that lives there but, not finding it immediately, we abandoned the quest and went in where it was blessedly warm.

The tickets we bought off the internet from a season-ticket holder turned out to be just about the greatest seats in the entire place--5th row (3rd row of permanent seats, 5th row if you include the floor seats) centre, across from the benches--a perfect view of everything! We had a great time and everyone was incredibly friendly--even though we were cheering for the visiting team(some of us..aka ME...being VERY loud about it, too).

I went up the aisle to go the bathroom at one point and asked the usher which way I should go--he said, "Are you here from Toronto?"

It took me a split-second to determine how he knew that I was Canadian--was I emitting some kind of Canuckian vibe that only dogs and ushers can detect?!?

Then I remembered that I was wearing a Raptors shirt. hehehe.

I responded that I was, indeed, from Toronto, and he bellowed, "Welcome to Chicago!"

Isn't that nice? I also saw these signs all over Chicago saying "the mayor welcomes you to chicago"...at first, I was skeptical...by the end of the weekend, I truly believed Mr. Daly was welcoming me to Chicago!

My old friend Chuck Swirsky, who was the TV play-by-play guy for the Raptors for years til he moved back to Chicago to cover the Bulls, told me to get in touch with him when we got to the arena, which I did and he came over to say hello. We chatted for a bit and we got some restaurant recommendations.

We wanted to get a pic of us with Chuck in the home of the Bulls, for souvenir sake, so we asked an usher (not the one who welcomed me to Chicago) to take a pic of us--methinks it might have been her first encounter with a digital camera, as she looked both perplexed and a little frightened, when we handed it to her and the resulting pic (as evidenced by its exclusion from this post) was a classic "heads-cut-off" disaster. Thanks anyway, lady!

I yelled out to Jose Calderon during the warm-up and he turned and looked and saw us and gave us a big wave & a smile and I gave him a thumbs up. A couple of the other Raptors saw us (fans in Chi-town!) and gave us a wink & a nod...they were happy for our presence. :)

Turns out, for the first time in a game for which we travelled, the Raptors kicked ass--it was the return of the Raptors' previously injured starting point guard, Jose Calderon, and he ran the floor like he'd never been gone. It was great. No one booed us, even though we cheered for the visitors, and..the Raptors won!

After the game, we met up with some friends at a random bar for a few drinks..didn't last too long..though we did meet up with some Bulls fans who'd been at the game and, yes, we did gloat, just a little bit...then we went back to the hotel and crashed.

FESCHUK!

I've always had a real hate-on for Dave Feschuk, alleged sports writer for The Toronto Star.

I'm not sure why, but he's annoyed me since I first encountered his "work".

Maybe it's the unibrow, maybe it's the nefarious glare from his dead, dead eyes, maybe it's that I believe his articles are fluffy, ill-informed and poorly written...probably a combination of the 3.

I refer to him as The Evil Feschuk or in Seinfeldian, "FESCHUK!" a la "NEWMAN!".

I'm not sure why I still read his articles...sometimes, it's accidental....because I'm a basketball & baseball fan, I click on the link to an article about the Raptors or the Jays without even noticing the writer's name..then I find myself getting irritated by some idiotic statement, glance at the byline and inevitably mutter, "FESCHUK!"

Besides the fact that I very rarely respect anything he has to say, he could also use a good copy editor--one with more than a cursory knowledge of grammar. In the past week, Feschuk has TWICE used the word "inferred" when the word he should have been using was "implied"--two words with very different meanings.

(Though some sources now indicate that "infer" & "imply" can be used interchangeably, please don't give this credence. These are the same sources that cite "irregardless" as a word simply because it's become part of the redneck vernacular. It's this type of regressive laziness that is reducing the clarity of the English language. )


So, in conclusion...

Down with Feschuk!

Rambling Rant

I'm certain that if I stopped a bunch of people, randomly on the street, they'd have no trouble immediately identifying at least one recent perplexing ad campaign or utterly confounding piece of marketing to which they'd been exposed.

I fancy myself a fairly astute person and yet I am regularly stymied by advertising that is ostensibly being presented in my first language--sure, I may no longer exist in the ideal target demographic for marketers, but I'm not *that* far removed from current trends/pop culture, I should still be able to readily deduce the meaning behind the advertising I see. I mean, c'mon, gag me with a spoon!

Anyway, I was pondering the ubiquity and idiocy of advertising yesterday while at the Raptors game here in Toronto.

There really are very few places in North America where you can escape marketing. And, in some places, (like large-scale sporting facilities), you are simply inundated by ads, wherever you look, from the minute you walk through the doors. From the name of the venue (in this case, the Air Canada Centre) to company branding on every conceivable surface and product (including the cheerleaders--this year, sponsored by Irish Spring!).

During Raptors games, there are always several corporately-sponsored, featured prize giveaways during timeouts & halftime. Sometimes, they'll just give the shit away and other times contestants will have to do something--inevitably embarrassing and/or stupid--to win the prize.

There were many ridiculous giveaways yesterday, as per usual--including a BMO Bank of Montreal contest where, in order to compete for the big prize (4 Raptors tickets in shitty seats, I believe) people had to stand up in their seats, whip out their Bank of Montreal debit cards and wave them around like maniacs. Yup, that actually happened--almost half the arena was on their feet waving around their bank cards...seems like a good plan for all involved.

Sunday was also "Doritos Day" at the ACC.

This meant, that during certain breaks in play, employees/promoters would hand out bags of Doritos to the (evidently) hungry fans.

Of course, what this also meant was that the entire concourse of the ACC all the way to Union Station and beyond was litter-ally covered with the detritus of this stroke-of-genius Doritos promotion--chip bags absolutely everywhere (except, apparently, in garbage receptacles).

(See what I did there? Litter-ally? Because I'm talking about litter? Hahahaha! Goddamn, I'm witty.)

Which also raises the question: What kind of pigs inhabit this city that they can't fucking hold on to a goddamn chip bag until they encounter a garbage can? The city of Toronto--and most venues existing herein--are pretty fanatical about ensuring that there are plenty of garbage bins everywhere...Didn't Toronto used to have a reputation for being ridiculously clean? What the hell?

An Open Letter to the Littering Jackasses at the Air Canada Centre Yesterday

Dear Assholes,

I know, I know..the bag that held that delicious, free snack must have been cumbersome for you to transport. Probably heavy, right? Plus, you also needed both hands free for pushing people in front of you and/or dragging your snot-nosed kids and/or high-fiving people. And you certainly didn't want to put it in your pocket--ew, chip cooties!!

But please--in future--if you think you won't be able to manage depositing that little chip bag into a garbage can when you're finished with it, could you maybe decline the free chips?

No? Not going to happen?

OK, OK, I shouldn't ask you to deprive yourself of free chips. Silly me!

Here's an idea: When you're done with the chip bag, how 'bout you shove it up your ass, you inconsiderate, self-centred jerkface?

Thanks so much! You're a peach!

Love,
Julia

My Trip to The Cleve! (Part I)

This past weekend, I took a roadtrip to The Cleve! The original purpose was to see the Raptors play the Cavaliers on Saturday...I mean, how frequently do the Raptors play an away game, within driving distance, on a weekend? Hardly ever!! Of course we had to make the trek.

Then I discovered that a band I like, Ekoostik Hookah, was playing Friday night at the House of Blues--so I immediately ordered a set of tickets for their gig.

Of course, I was also overjoyed at the prospect of visiting with my friend Kimmy, who lives outside The Cleve, and whom I haven't seen in AGES!

We left Thursday night and stayed overnight on Grand Island (we planned to do some shopping for clothes and we wanted to ensure that we were in the U.S. for the required 48 hour period, so we could return home without having to pay any ridiculous duty charges).

Grand Island is a tiny strip of land on a body of water connecting Lake Erie & Lake Ontario (I'm unaware of what it's called) between Niagara Falls and Buffalo--where they actually make you pay a toll to leave the island.
Pretty sweet scam they're running, if you ask me.

Prior to this trip, I assumed the whole point of Grand Island was to operate the world's crappiest amusement park (if you've ever driven between Niagara Falls and Buffalo, you know what I'm talking about) and making money by forcing people to pay up to get the hell outta there.

Evidently, the island has one more purpose: they host hockey tournaments (the hotel at which we stayed even had a stack of sheets titled "Hockey Agreement" on the Front Desk counter...I guess those hockey players are habitually rambunctious or something and other hotel guests, like myself, frown upon that type of activity. Unless, of course, I'm the one instigating/perpetrating said shenanigans--in that case, it's OK).

Anyway, we had a decent sleep and got up and went to Denny's for breakfast. It was great. Having never eaten at a Denny's when I was growing up, it's still sort of a novelty for me. I had a great veggie omelet (no cheese) and some excellent rye toast (with flax seeds) and a tomato juice. God, I love tomato juice. I wish it was better for you--it's like 98% sodium, though. Boo.

Oh, and they had kick-ass hot sauce...that, now that I think of it, I probably should have stolen. Curses!

After breakfast, I grabbed a coffee (to go) and we hit the road. It was a beautiful sunny day and we wanted to stop by the big mall in Erie, Pennsylvania. Ah, Pennsylvania--the land of no sales tax on clothing. Gotta love it.

We stopped at the mall, bought a few things and decided we'd stop on our back to do some more shopping, since we were a bit pressed for time--we wanted to enjoy our visit with Kimmy before we had to head into the city for the concert.

We headed out of the mall and, lo and behold, the weather had turned from sunny and clear, to a full-on blizzard!!

This is typical of Pennsylvania (or at least typical of our luck whilst in Pennsylvania)--the last time we passed through Erie, we pulled off the highway to do a bit of shopping (and take a break from the blizzard-conditions). In the 30 minutes we were in the mall, they CLOSED the INTERSTATE!! We were stranded in Erie for 12 hours. Luckily, we got the last hotel room in the Greater Erie Area. Not so lucky was the condition of the room--disgusting--but we were in no position to complain.

Anyway, this time, we hit the highway and held our collective breaths in hopes that the snow storm would be brief and we'd make it to The Cleve as planned.

A couple of hours later, we pulled into Kimmy's driveway and the sun was once again peeking through the clouds and the snow had dissipated. We had a great visit with Kimmy and her husband, George, and it was SO much fun to meet their hyperactive, energetic & crazy Lab puppy, Evy. What a sweet (and aggressive) character!

Kimmy made us some delicious lentil soup and I enjoyed a couple of very nice glasses of J.Garcia red wine (Thank you Kimmy, thank you Jerry!) before we hit the road once again.

We arrived downtown, without any hassles or wrong turns--gotta love the GPS! Unfortunately, the GPS doesn't take into account all the roads that are closed in downtown Cleveland (or the fact that it's basically impossible to get around downtown) because of all the road construction they're doing. Apparently, they're putting in some kind of streetcar/trolley system? I dunno. It's a mess, whatever the higher purpose, and we had to circle the hotel area about 5 times before we were able to find a road that would actually allow us to pull up in front of it!

After checking into our hotel, we popped out for some provisions (booze, snacks) and headed back to the hotel to chill for a bit before the concert. The folks at the CVS were incredibly friendly (even though they were trying to close early and had already turned off most of the lights) and they were obsessed with our $1 & $2 Canadian coins. What a novelty!

I know I shouldn't get so excited about American television, but some of the channels in the States are just so much fun. Like that USA channel? When ISN'T there a version of Law & Order on? How cool is that?!

The concert was fun, we met a bunch of nice, friendly people (none of whom could believe we came all the way to The Cleve from Toronto for a basketball game!). We headed back to the hotel around midnight, ordered & enjoyed some delicious pizza and watched the New Jersey Nets lay a beating on Seattle (Boo. Burn in hell, Wince Carter. Scumbag.).

--To Be Continued--