A few thoughts about bowling.

Last week, for absolutely no discernible reason, I suddenly had an urge to go bowling.

Perhaps there exists a bowling mafia of sorts (I imagine they're called "The Bowling Crusaders" or something like that) whose sole purpose it is to subliminally convince people that they want to go bowling. Perhaps I came upon some of their subversive propaganda. I believe something like that must have occurred--otherwise, my bowling desire is utterly inexplicable.

In any case, we decided to go bowling on Friday night.

I was a little bit nervous--I haven't bowled since I was 11 or 12--and while I realize that I possess the fresh-faced glow of a teenager, that was actually a long, long time ago.

We planned to go 5-pin bowling as opposed to 10-pin--10-pin bowling is dangerous and I refuse to do it. I know millions of people have safely participated in this activity over the course of bowling history, so my fear is probably illogical, but it exists, and there's not a whole lot I can do about it--I'm certain that if I try to 10-pin bowl, my fingers will probably be ripped off my hands.

As crazy as this may sound, it will likely never be resolved--should I ever seek out the psychiatric help I so obviously require, I have an extremely lengthy list of issues that take precedence over my 10-pin-bowling-finger-loss-phobia (hard to believe there's not a scientifict term for this--I can't be the only one).

Anyway, 5-pin-bowling it was!

We found a place not too far from the house--turns out that on the weekends they have "Cosmic Bowling". Which basically means that the lights are out and random stuff around the alley is fluroescent--like your bowling shoelaces. Fun!

The experience was almost wholly enjoyable--in fact, it might be a new Friday night ritual!

Based on my burgeoning benevolence, I'm going to share some lessons I learned from my experience--should you ever have a sudden urge to go bowling, I want you to be prepared.

1. Bowling is not as easy as it looks. And I'm not referring to actually knocking down the pins and/or achieving a good score, I'm talking about the fact that bowling is surprisingly physically demanding!

My impression of the physical fitness of bowlers is based solely on television & movies (think "The Big Lebowski" and any of the blue collar sitcoms of the late '80s). As such, I had been misled into believing that those who participate in this activity do so whilst enjoying cocktails and maneuvering around ever-expanding beer guts and/or burgers butts.

And when we first arrived at the bowling alley, this assumption seemed to be accurate--the legions of white-haired, feeble- & decrepit-looking bowlers on the main floor would lead one to deduce, "If they can do it--anyone can do it!"

Not so. Let's just say, before we'd even finished bowling our 3 games, we were feeling the pain.

Quads, back, hamstrings, butt (oh dear lord, such cruel ass-pain), bowling arm: All useless for 2 days afterwards. I could not sit or stand, ascend or descend stairs, lift a mug of coffee or pick my nose without expressing my pain via gutteral noises and wrinkle-inducing facial expressions.

You've been warned.

2. Another tip: Do not, under any circumstances, imbibe bowling alley wine. Lighter fluid straight out of the can would be more palatable. I know, I know, I should have known better--I cannot justify this choice on any level, other than to surmise: PMS made me do it.

3. If you decide you still want to go bowling, after reading about my experience, I would recommend intensive training beforehand--or at least some mild stretching--to alleviate the resultant discomfort.

4. If there's a kid in the lane next to you whose bowling technique includes tossing the ball 3-5 feet in the air and vaulting himself halfway down the lane, do not attempt to duplicate his moves--even if it seems like a good idea at the time--the laughs you get will not be worth the bruises on your knees and you likely won't knock over any of the pins anyway. Trust me on this one.

So that's my cautionary tale. Hope you all learned something.

Now, I must dash--I'm having the name "Stu" stitched on my new bowling shirt and I want to pick it up before I (literally) hit the alley tonight. I think "Stu" is a good bowling name--and when folks see it emblazoned on my chest, they'll know I'm not a bowler to be trifled with.

STRIKE!