Clumsiness is Next to Bruiselyness

My clumsiness is becoming even more detrimental to my well-being than usual.

OK, I've always been clumsy.

I did slam my thumb in a car door when I was 17 (without any intervention from anyone--I can't say I was pushed, unfortunately--and with zero alcohol consumption on my part). To this day the nail (and I use the word loosely) does not grow properly. Truth be told, it's pretty friggin' gross.

I have a pretty big scar under my right eyebrow from where, in the late 90s, one night I whipped open the freezer door, instead of the fridge door (which is what I was going for) right into my eye and I was way too embarrassed to go to the hospital for the necessary stitches.

I have a giant bruise around my eye socket this week. In my defence, it was mostly the dog's fault..we were play-fighting/wrestling and she reared up her head and smashed her skull into my face. It hurt so much, I was sure that she, too, would be injured.

I was in a massive amount of pain, but my first concern was her well-being:

"Omigod! Kuda, are you OK??!"

*pant* *pant* *wagwagwag* *run to retrieve ball*

She was fine.

This morning, I punched the bathroom doorjamb as I was walking into the bathroom...granted, I was in a hurry, but I've lived there for over five years and I'm pretty sure the width of the door hasn't changed in that time. Now I've got a cut and an impending bruise on my hand. Yay!

I noticed this morning, as I was drying my hair, that I have a giant round bruise on my wrist. No idea where that originated.

*sigh*

If I die in some horrible accident, odds are, it will be entirely my fault...possibly as a result of a dog-induced concussion...

Mini-Rant Re: Frosty the Snowman

I was in the grocery store the other day and, naturally, they were piping in the most annoying, god-awful, cheery holiday songs (yep, call me Scroogette, I fucking hate Christmas).

I noticed it was "Frosty the Snowman"...what kind of sick-ass, cruel mother-fucker came up with this terrible tune?!!

I mean, it's just insane! Think about it!!

"Frosty the snowman was a jolly, happy soul.."

Sounds good, so far, doesn't it...

Notice the PAST TENSE in reference to this alleged "jolly happy" guy...

Also note, he's referred to as a "soul" implying, he, too, is also past tense.

The whole friggin' song is like a eulogy!

And this is for kids?? What the fuck?!

"Frosty the Snowman, knew the sun was hot that day, so he said, let's run and we'll have some fun now before I melt away!"

Ostensibly an admirable sentiment...seize the day and all that crap...but a little morbid, no?

Hey kids! I'm going to expire later! Let's grab some broomsticks and mock that traffic officer before I'm nothing more than a puddle on the ground!! Woot! Woot! PAR-TAY!!!

Exeunt Rant. Happy freakin' holidays!

Bagels, Mustard and World Peace

You know what annoys me??

The fact that a plain, toasted bagel in my office cafeteria is 80 cents, but at the Tim Horton's, it's $1.11.

The fact that I can only get a good deal on bagels (i.e. in the cafeteria) until 10:30 a.m. Why can't you just keep bagels on the menu all day? Lots of people like bagel sammitches (for lunch)! I mean, I know I do!

The fact that I can't get a GREAT deal on bagels (by bringing them from home and toasting them my own damn self) ever, because although my office has a cafeteria and a Tim Horton's, there are no public toasters or "kitchenettes" (at least not on the floor on which I work) in my building!

Enough about bagels.

The other thing that bugs me today is the fact that no matter how enthusiastically you shake a bottle of mustard, when you first squeeze/pour it, you always, ALWAYS have to deal with that icky, mustard-pre-ejaculate. Ew ew ew!

Oh, and, what's up with all the stupid unrest in the Middle East? Probably related to an untoasted, expensive bagel that's covered in a thin film of watery mustard-like liquid...