Utterly Depilitated

Ladies, how many of you are amazed and appalled, on an increasingly regular basis, by odd, unwanted hair(s) making appearances in strange places on your body... ??

Older women, who I can only assume are trying to make me cry, assure me that, as you get older, the frequency with which these interlopers appear increases AND the hairs get more thick and/or disgusting.

Thanks, for that, ladies. God knows I love those little perks that come along with aging...

I was in my early twenties when I first encountered an odd, out-of-place hair on my body. A lone, dark hair appeared on my right boob (aka "Righty"). Turns out, if left unattended, this particular hair will grow unabated to astounding lengths--a medical marvel, really! So, it wasn't all bad..I contacted Guiness, but they didn't seem impressed...losers....

Anyway, this hair wasn't really that big a deal, easily rectified with a quick pluck, nothing more than a minor annoyance.

I had girlfriends in high school (of Italian descent) who, unfortunately, had to have their substantial moustaches waxed or bleached before they even turned 16. Ugh. That had to suck.

And I always secretly felt superior in that regard--I may have had zits, and a boatload of other teenage problems, but at least I didn't have a moustache! Hahaahahahahaha!

And that, my friends, is just how karma works...call it karma, call it the Fates, call it "I told you so-itis"...whatever it is, the cosmos saw me gloating and decided that I, too, should know the pain of female facial hair.

For a long time, I resisted the idea that I had facial hair. "It's blonde," I thought, "No one can see it..."

Then one day I saw a woman with a very thick moustache that had been bleached--and, oh--you could see it, alright....

I realized the time had come to take action.

I purchased my first "home wax" kit. I was not without trepidation, but I felt I had no alternative.

Lo and behold, the moustache wax went well! I felt free, like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders (or, more accurately, my upper lip)...

I realized I could also use this wonderful wax to remove the hair from other areas of my face...I mean, I'm not a cave-woman, I might as well have an entirely smooth visage, yes?

Unfortunately, my cheeks didn't respond as well to the wax as my moustache area* did and I broke out in a heinous, persistent rash. :( Oops.

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*Moustache Area: The area where the moustache goes. This area doesn't have a name, to my knowledge. I sometimes hear it referred to as the "upper lip", but that makes no sense to me--isn't the "upper lip" the one above the "lower lip"?

Anyway, I hereby christen it The Moustache Area...which, incidentally, would also be a great name for a gay bar in the 70s....

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The last time I attempted the waxing was several months ago. My five o'clock shadow was telling me that it was once again time to take action.

I thought, "Hey, why not try this 'Nair for Facial Hair' stuff?"

I, of course, didn't make the connection that if my skin is super-sensitive to waxing, it might not be the best idea to slather on a toxic lotion designed to uproot hair so it can be easily wiped away (and proceed to leave it there for 3 to 10 minutes).

So I decided to give it a shot!!!

As I was marvelling at the ease with which the hair just wiped right off my face, I noticed a bit of redness on my right cheek. Then I noticed that the more hair I wiped with ease, the more redness, tingling and--omigod!--burning ensued!

The instructions that accompany the Nair do mention a "slight" risk of "irritation" and they suggest that, even though the Nair product is FULL of moisturizers and emollience, that you should also use your own moisturizer following the application of the Nair.

I tried to apply my own moisturizer to my rapidly and increasingly reddening, blotchy, burning skin.

Yeah, no go.

The second the moisturizer touched my skin it was as though I was pouring lemon juice on a paper cut imbedded in a third-degree burn.

So I slathered my face with Polysporin (this was painful, but I figured I had no choice at this point, I needed to heal) and tried to get some sleep.

It's not so easy to sleep when your face is on fire and you fear you're going to wake up looking like something out of a horror movie.

I'm hideous! Look away!

But, on the plus side, I don't have any hair on my face.