I Stink.

No, really - I actually stink.

This is not a self-deprecating, false modesty, attention/compliment-seeking thing - I seriously smell really bad!

In your mind, right now, if you're picturing me, imagine cartoon stink lines emanating from my armpit-region (see artist's rendering at right). 

I don't know what the fuck is going on - a few weeks ago, I was on the subway heading home from work and I noticed a seriously unpleasant odour, that distinct sickly-sweet-sweat-scent, that I immediately attributed to the guy sitting next to me (it couldn't be me - duh!). Shortly thereafter, he got off the train -  and the horrifying realization came over me that he was gone and yet the stink remained! Oh no!

Obviously, my deodorant had failed me that day. *shudder* I figured I just hadn't put enough on or something. It happens. So, naturally, I made extra sure to apply an adequate deodorant volume in subsequent days...but, lo and behold, I was mortified to realize that the stink was becoming part of my daily routine.

UNACCEPTABLE!!

I surmised that perhaps I'd developed some sort of immunity to my current deodorant brand (Can that happen? I mean, if you can build up a tolerance to drugs and if you can develop an immunity to iocane powder, why not anti-perspirant?), so I went out and bought a whole new variety. My fingers & armpits were crossed in hopes that this would solve the Mystery of the Stink.

Amusing aside: A friend of mine once purchased one of those deodorant crystal things - oh, naturelle! After using it for a while, she began noticing a reccurrent & persistent odour - and, upon taking a whiff of the crystal, realized that it had absorbed the smell of her perspiration and she was actually APPLYING stink to her clean body!! EEK!

Anyway...the first day I tried out the new deodorant (not the "crystal" version), Poop & I spent a lovely, sunny, Saturday afternoon going to a bunch of "open houses" (condos, townhouses etc.). (Note: I had not yet told him about my recent scentual revelations.) We arrived home, I walked by him and he exclaimed, "Whoa! You stink!"

Thanks. You don't need to tell me that, I'm not hard of smelling.

The question is this: Can a person suddenly develop an insidious stink? And, the second question is: How can I solve this smelly dilemma? I can't live like this!

The Secret Language of Real Estate

As you may or may not know, I've been hunting for a new home to purchase - not sure whether it will be a house or townhouse or a condo yet, but the hunt is on!

Once the search began, it became immediately obvious that real estate agents (and the industry at large) speak a language all their own - an encrypted code designed to sell, SELL, SELL! by  relying on subterfuge & peoples' perceived stupidity.

I'm not sure who they think they're fooling, though....the code is about as hard to crack as an unboiled egg....

Should you ever find yourself looking for a new home, here's a quick guide to The Language of Real Estate:

Cozy  =  Tiny

"Open Concept" = No walls.

"Loft-Style" = See "Open Concept" & add stairs (or a bunk-bed style ladder).

"Boutique Building" = Built sometime between World Wars I & II

"Perfect for first-time buyers..." = Small and/or dirty and/or requires $$$$ in repairs

"Contents Included" = You clean this shit up.

"Juliet Balcony" = Floor-to-ceiling window that opens, but is blocked by a railing (Note: Seriously? Do people fall for this?)

"Condo Alternative" = A house too small for anything more than 1 or 2 adults & possibly a dog.

I'm forgetting a bunch. I'll add more as they come to me.