PULL UP YOUR DAMN PANTS!*

*Must be yelled in precise Cletus (from the Simpsons...duh..) fashion.

As in, "Hey..I can see my ma from here....MA! GET OFF THE DAMN ROOF!"

Anyway...my inquiring rant today revolves around the cultural phenomenon that is males wearing their pants hanging down anywhere from just below butt level, all the way down to knee level..

What gives??

When I first started noticing this trend, I thought to myself, "Hey, it's just a fad...a completely STUPID fad..it won't be around for long.."

That was YEARS ago!

Am I just too damn old to appreciate this particular fashion/cultural statement?

I don't know about that.

I mean, I wore some pretty stupid stuff that was "in style"...

• Leg warmers (though where I grew up, they were actually functional);
• Jeans with multiple safety pins at the bottom of each leg rendering each leg of the jeans as skinny as possible at the ankles--a FANTASTIC look, by the way;
• Bodysuits--whose fucking cruel idea of a joke was this??! Not only were they NOT flattering on ANYONE, they were absolutely impossible to get done up by yourself after 7 or 8 drinks (Keep in mind, these were in style when I was in university. I have photographic evidence that I will be burning as soon as I get home).

Regardless of my numerous fashion faux pas that I continue to commit on an almost daily basis, I still declare the whole "pants-falling-down" look as nothing short of idiotic.

Why is it so stupid? Well, it's dangerous!!

What if you were being chased? You couldn't run! You'd fall right over! It's like binding your knees together with a pair of pantyhose (don't ask how I know this) and trying to run. You would never be able to escape if you were being chased by someone.

I was sitting on the bus the other day and there was a guy standing in front of me with the ass of his pants at his knees and I realized that if he turned around, his junk would be right in my face, with only a pair of underwear (with a potentially capricious flap for peeing) and a sweater between me and his man-meat. This alarmed me tremendously.

Then I realized, the positioning of the jeans leaves a man's nether-regions ENTIRELY exposed. I mean, I know a pair of jeans isn't equivalent to an athletic cup, but it certainly offers more protection than wandering around the city in cotton underpants.

And if you're being chased, and you try to run, and you fall down due to your stupid pants' positioning, or if the person chasing you decides to tackle you, you're going to fall down and your genitals will be easily accessible to the person chasing/tackling you--particularly troubling if the reason they were chasing you was to get their hands on your sausage.

Maybe someone can explain this to me.

Maybe I have an unhealthy preoccupation with being chased.

Either way, pull up your damn pants.

Oh, My Broken Back...and Bed....

So, my bed broke. Yup. Broke.

No, nothing fun was going on. Unless you consider "sitting gingerly" to be a fun activity...

And, no, I have not gained a tremendous amount of weight rendering normal furniture unable to bear my gargantuan girth.

It just broke!

Granted, it's an IKEA bed that's almost 10 years old, so I suppose it should have been expected.

That being said, having a broken bed at the same time as a broken back is just cruel and unusual punishment.

As for my broken back, it keeps tricking me...feels better one day, then horrible the next...these set-backs are really depressing (Get it? Set-backs? Set-BACKS? Bahahahahahahaha! I'm hilarious. That's it: I'm taking my act on the road).

Anyway, the stupid screw things that hold the stupid metal support things to the stupid wooden bedframe thing came out, ripping the wood, resulting in an unsalvageable bed.

I suppose if I had power tools, I might have tried some sort of MacGyveresque fix-it job.

Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to own and/or operate power tools. I tried to buy a drill once and the guy at the counter referenced a big poster on the wall with my picture on it--Top Ten People to Whom You Must NOT Sell Power Tools.

Who knew? I mean, I know I have a propensity for clumsiness, but I didn't realize the danger I pose to myself and society had reached the hardware-selling community at large.

So my mattress now sits on the floor. I feel like I'm regressing in age. Although my behaviour has always belied my true age, I had some "stuff" that was representative of my supposed adulthood (wrinkles and gray hairs notwithstanding)....a vehicle, a bed, more than one room in my apartment... I have none of these things anymore!

Next time you see me, I'm likely to have only milk crates as furniture and a kitchen full of Kraft Dinner and cheap beer.

Help me!

Oh, my aching back.

I really messed up my back.

It's my own, fault, though, really. I now know that cleaning out the lint trap in one's dryer and then subsequently tossing the lint into the garbage can is a hazardous activity. Taken in a larger context, I do believe this is a sign from the universe that all forms of housecleaning are dangerous and should be undertaken sparingly, if at all.

Heed my warning...laundry is, literally, a back-breaking chore. Tidy at your own risk.