Would this be considered ironic?

I ordered a new pair of scissors at work. My old pair had become inexplicably dull, seemingly overnight. I couldn't even cut paper with them! So I ordered a new pair and threw the old, no longer functioning set in the garbage.

Before I go on, I have a question: Why is it a "pair" of scissors? Are each of the blades, individually, a scissor? Doesn't sound right, does it? What purpose does one scissor serve? A scissor is nothing until attached to another scissor! I contend that until you put 2 individual scissors together to form a pair, their existence is pointless....like Bert without Ernie...or fries without ketchup....

So, I got my new pair of scissors today. I slipped the cardboard off the blades (presumably put on before shipping to prevent the blades from opening in transit and causing unimaginable injuries to the delivery person).

There was another hunk of cardboard wrapped around one of the places you put your fingers in to operate the scissors (do these have a name? I can't think of one. Scissor finger holes? Not very catchy....).

Anyway, this baffling piece of thick yellow cardboard, with no discernible purpose, was fastened together by what I can only describe as a metal grommet. No, I don't get it, either.

I tried to rip off the inscrutable chunk of cardboard. It wouldn't rip! It was fastened too tightly and the cardboard was too thick!

The only conceivable solution to removing the piece of cardboard from my new scissors would be to cut it off...

You see my dilemma.

To quote the illustrious Norm Peterson: It's a dog-eat dog world, Sammy...and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear...

Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle-K

That's blatant lie. We don't even have Circle-Ks in Toronto. But ever since "Be Excellent to Each Other" left the lexicon at the dawn of the 1990s, I so rarely get the opportunity to pepper my speech with Bill- and/or Ted-isms, I thought we'd all get a nostalgic kick out of titling my post thusly.

Regardless, there are strange things afoot, just not at the Circle-K. Actually, that might be an inadvertent untruth, too. There may very well be strange things afoot at a Circle-K, somewhere in the world, so I really shouldn't be spreading any "all is well" rumours unless I receive some on-the-scene witness verification on that. I'll keep you posted.

Anyway, the oddities to which I'm referring are taking place in High Park.

Yesterday, I started my walk home, entering the park from the northeastern tip of the park, near the Keele Subway station. As I entered the "woodsy" area, something shiny caught my eye. Much like a brand-new puppy, I'm easily distracted by shiny objects and I scampered over to investigate.

There was a piece of jewellery hanging on the lower limb of a pine tree. It was quite a pretty necklace, one I'd actually wear. I kept walking by the tree and noticed ANOTHER necklace hanging on another branch--accompanied by a lovely pair of earrings! Then I realized there was a third, incredibly tacky necklace, adorning yet another branch!

Obviously, these discoveries were perplexing. Typically, when you happen upon something in the park that's not normally found in nature, it's garbage..coffee cups, cigarette butts etc. (Yes, despite the fact that there are plenty of receptacles conveniently located through the park, it is still perpetually littered with trash). So to see several pieces of jewellery hanging on a tree puzzled me immeasurably!

I came up with several possible explanations, none of which seem plausible...

—A local family can't wait to begin Christmas celebrations. Their tyrant father won't allow any Yuletide talk until December 10th. As such, they've chosen to decorate a tree in the park, with inauspicious trinkets that they were able to remove from the home without arousing any suspicion.

—These pieces of jewellery were found in the park, inadvertently lost and/or left behind by previous visitors. Benevolent hikers happened upon the jewellery and hung it on the universally known "Lost Jewellery Tree". Though not publicized, this particular tree is known to one and all as the park's "Lost and Found" area. If you ever lose something in the park, check the tree!

—A secret admirer of mine is trying to get my attention. Every day he/she hangs a new piece of jewellery on the tree, hoping to catch my attention, whilst lurking in the bushes, surreptitiously spying on me as I walk home. Should I one day take the shiny bait, he/she plans to jump out of the bushes declaring their love/lust in hopes that we'll live happily ever after.

I dunno. I heard there was a movie shooting in High Park yesterday, so perhaps it was related to the production.

Anyone else have any ideas?

Extra! Extra! Newspapers & Me: My Daily Dilemma(s)

I love newspapers--I always have.

Part of it is that I simply need to know what's going on the world. If I don't, I float through life with a vague but nagging sense of foreboding niggling at my gut, like a junk food hangover.

But my love of newspapers is so much more than that...it's practically an obsession...My anticipation prior to opening a brand-new, unsullied newspaper is palpable. What might I find inside? Who knows?! It could be anything!!

Oh, it's terribly exciting...

I'm sure I inherited my affection for newspapers from my dad--the same way I inherited his penchant for physically assaulting people who dared to read his newspaper before he'd had a chance to do so. He just HAD to be the first person to read his paper and I, too, possess this adorable quirk. (Hey--one man's annoying vice is another man's adorable quirk..).

When I was growing up, if I dared to read my dad's paper before he'd done so, no matter how cautious I was in taking the sections apart, no matter how gingerly I turned the pages and no matter how carefully I reassembled the paper when I was finished--somehow, he ALWAYS KNEW it wasn't the pristine, untouched newspaper to which he'd been looking forward!

Anyway, I still love newspapers.

However, as someone who is a big fan of the environment (in general) and of trees (specifically) consumption of news in paper form is an awfully cavalier & careless habit. I know that sounds weird, coming from someone who was raised in a town whose entire livelihood was dependent upon a paper mill, but that's just how I feel.

*shrug*

Hence, one of my newspaper dilemmas: The crushing guilt associated with enjoying them.

In deference to the environment (and the fact that it's a readily accessible and relatively up-to-date source) I generally access newspapers & magazines online. It's not as satisfying as reading a real paper, though. Something about the tactile-ness of holding the paper in your hands and turning the pages and perpetually sporting newsprint smudges on one's face is just incredibly fulfilling to me, more so that pressing "Refresh".

The only problem is that I still need to do my crossword every day. And for that, I need a real paper!

People have suggested that I can purchase a crossword puzzle book or do crossword puzzles online, but I'm not interested in these solutions. I have no interest in doing a crossword in a puzzle book--I'm only interested in doing the daily crossword from the newspaper (on the day the newspaper is printed). I know it's weird, but we've already established that I'm full of adorable quirks, so you shouldn't be surprised. I generally won't read a newspaper after 3 pm, either, because by then, it's not news anymore. So? Wanna make something of it?

This brings me to my NEXT newspaper dilemma: Which paper to buy?

Here's the issue: I normally read The Toronto Star. It's better written and less trashy than The Sun. It's nowhere near as arrogant & pretentious as the Globe & Mail. And, unlike the National Post, every single article isn't an editorial.

The problem is that the crosswords in The Star SUCK! They're just way too easy...where's the fun there?!

I like to do the New York Times crosswords...they're the most challenging and they (ostensibly) get harder and harder each day of the week (Monday = easiest, Sunday = most challenging). Though my own experience is that though I can usually complete Monday, Tuesday, Thursday & Friday's crosswords, I seem to have some sort of mental block about Wednesday's (either that or the folks over at the Times like to amuse themselves by slipping in a ridiculously hard puzzle on Wednesdays, just to mess with peoples' heads).

Unfortunately, the only local paper that carries the New York Times crossword is the Toronto Sun.

This makes no sense to me--the Sun is the "lowest common denominator" paper. It's the least high-brow, the one with the "Sunshine Girl" on the back page, the one most likely to run salacious and/or exploitative headlines and stories. It's the tabloid paper.

Yesterday, the cover story was a full-page picture of O.J. Simpson under the headline "The Juice is Loose!"...Really? This was REALLY the BIGGEST story in Toronto yesterday? O.J. Simpson being granted bail for some alleged robbery/altercation in Las Vegas?

*rolls eyes*

I'm not implying Sun readers are stupid, I'm just assuming (however unfairly) that, demographically, folks who buy the Sun are likely more interested in the 47 pages of Leafs coverage, and the scantily clad Sunshine Girl, than the New York Times Crossword.

My dilemma is that I don't want people to see me buying the Sun. It's embarrassing! I don't want people to think I read The Sun...

I know, I'm a newspaper snob. I can't help it!

For the time being, my problem has been solved...my boss has all the local papers, and papers from several other cities, delivered every day, in order to conduct ad tracking. And every day, I surreptitiously steal the crossword page from the Toronto Sun.

Ah, life is good.

There's something wrong with me.

To whoever is reading this and thinking "Yeah, we've known that for years" in response to the title of this piece: Shut yer pie-hole, smartass!

Anyway, I need to confess my newest affliction: Ridiculously odiferous feet.

You may think this is funny, but it's NOT! My feet REEK! The odour being produced doesn't seem humanly possible!

I'm extremely concerned. I don't know if this is a legitimate medical problem. If I go to the doctor complaining of uber-stinky feet, will he laugh? Will he be able to assist me? Will I be shunned and ostracized, even moreso than usual?

It's truly embarrassing. It's also becoming a painful & dangerous distraction. You know there's trouble when the stench eminating from beneath your desk from YOUR OWN FEET is causing headaches, nausea and spontaneous ADD.

I don't know what to do...I guess, if we look at the "cup half full (of stink)" version of this, I actually now have a useful weapon at my disposal, should I need one (assuming, of course, I can unsheath said weapon--i.e. remove my shoes--swiftly in case of emergency)....

Cycle of Life?

Yesterday, as I often do, I got off the subway at Keele station and walked home through High Park. It was a gorgeous fall day...crisp, not too cold, sun shining brightly...all kinds of folks out enjoying the park, walking their dogs or spouses...

I was walking along, taking it all in, snapping a few photos, watching the multiple squirrels frolicking playfully and, truthfully, considering doing some frolicking of my own (I do love a good frolic!)...basically, I was just revelling in the beauty of nature and my good fortune to live in such a great place.

A woman was walking ahead of me, clearly just arriving at the park, and she let her dog, a fluffy, little terrier, off its leash and started walking down the sidewalk/trail towards the pond.

Keep in mind, this is not in a "Dogs Off Leash Area"....It doesn't normally trouble me when folks have their dogs off their leashes in non-mandated areas, as long as the dog in question is well-behaved/controlled and not prone to vicious attacks.

Suffice it to say, this dog was not well-behaved.

As soon as the dog was released from her leash, she took off after a squirrel, who immediately ran up a tree. The dog actually CLIMBED the tree (I shit you not) and the squirrel went crashing to the ground with a THUD!

I gasped and covered my mouth...I'm not sure if my reaction was in response to the squirrel crashing to the ground, shock that I witnessed a dog climbing a tree or split-second, psychic anticipation of what was to come...

The dog's owner frantically tried to control her pet by yelling at the dog in a desperate and scolding tone, "Mildred! Bad dog! MILDRED! STOP! MILDRED!"

I must interject with a puzzled query: Who names their dog "Mildred"? But I digress...

Anyway, the owner kept yelling at Mildred, but did not approach the melee. As soon as the squirrel fell to the ground, Mildred ATTACKED and within seconds the squirrel was dead. It was grotesque.

I was appalled and walked rapidly away from the murder scene. I'll be honest, I was a little shaken, even though I've never had any particular affinity for squirrels.

After I'd walked what I thought was a safe distance, I stopped to put my camera back in my bag and it was then that I realized I was being followed...Mildred the Hit Dog was trotting behind me (her human companion nowhere to be seen) proudly displaying her limp prey clenched in her jaws...

As my dad would have said, "Don't fret, doll, such is the cycle of life..."

But does it have to be so friggin' gross?

I have developed an immunity to iocane powder.

What the hell is wrong with the top newspaper on a stack? Am I an utter fool for taking the top copy all these years?

Please, if there is something inherently wrong with the top paper, fill me in...clearly, this was an important lesson that went untaught in my household.

Of course, in my day-to-day life, if I encounter something blatantly wrong with the top copy of a paper, like a big stain or rip, something that would obviously impede my enjoyment of that particular copy, then I choose a different copy....but there are many, many people (MOST people, if my lifelong observations are an accurate reflection of this particular peculiarity) for whom taking a copy OTHER than the top copy is a NECESSITY!

Why. Whywhywhywhywhy. Please, I implore you: Give me the answer. I simply must know.

The only thing that I can fathom is that these people live life by the rules as described by Vizzini in The Princess Bride...i.e. ".... only a great fool would reach for what he was given."

Am I a great fool?